Fuck

It

Shit

Happens

healthy and not.. 

A relationship is like a happy meal.. you never know what’s the freebie inside the package.. but we have to accept it nonetheless..

The van I was riding in nearly exploded as smoke enveloped the front seats and slowly crept towards us in the back.. It had the beginnings of a flame as we exited the vehicle.. It was crazy, all of us was on panic mode and I couldn’t keep track of what happened next. Looking back, it was all a blur as I felt the adrenaline take over my frontal lobe.. Some crazy shit, I know.. As luck would have it, I live to tell the tale.. Well, at least the part before we lost all our sanity and did some things which would totally be funny if it was caught on cam.. 

I just couldn’t stop lookin at your blog wishin I knew you personally and that we’d hang out from time to time and just enjoy every moment of it.. 

it started with a like..

I know what to wish for come 11:11　

it’s possible.. :)

Here I am, sitting next to you. Totally clueless what to do. I’m getting all jittery inside. But somehow, I feel so happy, like it’s Christmas Eve all over again. 

“You can buy the popcorn” I say. And you did. Somehow, the popcorn became my new favorite food. 

We decided to meet at ATC. I was late. You were early. With my first step, I dialed your number. It just rang and you weren’t picking up. Damn. Redialed and it still just rang. I went around ATC hoping to find you but I couldn’t. There were too many people and the line for the cinemas were long. Then, a small paper posted on the walls of the ticket counters caught my eye: AVENGERS tickets SOLD OUT. Now selling last full show. I was on panic mode. I fell in line with and dialed your number again. Finally, you picked up. You were on the phone with another guy. Just a friend, you say. Anyway, I gave you our choices: watch the last full show, or go to another movie house.. We decided on the latter and headed to MOA.. The journey was quick even though the two malls were miles apart.. Time seems to move faster..

The movie is starting. A new dilemma had risen: I didn’t know which to look at. From time to time, my attention was split between watching the Avengers and watching you. I know it’s creepy. But I can’t stop staring at you, or listen to your voice as mine became utterly soft as if my normal voice would somehow strangle you. I have this protective urgency. Caring.

After a while, I kept glancing at your hands. Fighting every bit of my instinct to touch it.. hold it. I don’t know if you’ll take it away from my reach. I didn’t have the courage to risk it and lose you in the process. I don’t want to assume. 

Then, I asked, “subuan mo ko”. I was preparing to say “just kidding” in case you feel awkward about it. But you did and in a way, I was kind of surprised and fulfilled. Happy, but fearful of my next move as not to upset you or anything. Ambivalent. Nah.. More like confused as my emotions are battling it out for supremacy..

The movie ended. Somehow, it marks the end of our date. I wish we could extend some more. I wish we could just stay, even for just an hour.. But it would just seem like a blink of an eye and soon we have to part ways..

I walked you to your ride. My hand found its way on your back like it was meant to be there.. A few minutes later, we said our goodbyes. I couldn’t let you out of my sight as you walked to the shuttle hoping you would stay a little more. 

To this day, I still think of you.. Wishing we could have more time together.. Not just texting and calling, but physically together.. 

I miss you popcorn.. can’t wait to see you again…

So it begins..

I wanna cuddle with you.

Hold your hand.

Kiss you.

Spend the night with you.

Tickle you.

Laugh.

Kiss you again.

Talk about stuff.

Stare at each other’s eyes.

Laugh about it.

Kiss you some more,

and cuddle till we fall asleep.

can’t stop smiling.. 

What is this feeling so sudden and new? 

I felt the moment I laid eyes on you.

my pulse is rushing..

my head is reeling..

my face is flushing..

What is this feeling?

Fervid as a flame, 

does it have a name?　

The wind touching my face, caressing the short locks of hair as if an invisible hand runs through it, is such a relaxing feeling. Going to the beach, it seemed as if I am at the end of the world. The border that separates land from water. As the waves crash on the sand, pushing and pulling in it’s constant surge, made me think about a lot of stuff. Things that was, things that are, and some things that have not yet come to pass. Then, as if a comet hit the earth, it dawned on me.

It had to end. After countless faces of the moon passing through the night sky, it just had to end. It took a while, yes. Even the snail’s pace was ten times faster. But in all that sloth, it only took a quarter blink of an eye, faster even that shooting stars would envy it’s velocity, for me to realize that the pain had already vanished. My mind was frantic in anticipation of the deep void that soon would come. Yet for all it’s worth, there was nothing. Not sadness, not hate nor anger, but simply a flattened affect towards the world. The journey ended. Life goes on.

Seconds ticked away.. Minutes passed.. Hours, days, weeks, months.. How long has it been? The longing no longer present. Yet a spark never fails to start everytime you are present, or I see your work, or when we converse or interact. I guess it will never stop. It will never cease to exist. But then, the flame dies out as soon as that spark ignites. No point in keeping a flame so bright that rivals the sun in all its glory. No point in feeding it with nonsense. Nonsense that used to be everything that seemed to matter. At least, it mattered to me. Makes sense?

And now it’s beginning. The feeling of being alive is yet to fully reach it’s peak. It’s too soon anyway. However, the dreadful ambience that has shrouded my heart is now gone. What took it’s place is curiousity. Curiousity of others. Of trying again. Of giving love a chance. A chance to not only produce sparks, but nurture it to a flame that will forever light up even the darkest of all moonless nights. Everybody deserves a chance at love at least, if not for love at all. Now, it’s my chance. Your’s will come too. They say if it is destined, our paths will cross once more. But some say that we direct our own paths where it will cross. No matter how hard I try to make way towards your road, if you aim your road elsewhere, what could I do? Life is not a game of tag where I’m always the ‘it’. In a perfect world, I’ll keep on following you wherever you will go. But we live in a world full of imperfections. Imperfections that continue to get worse and worse as each day ends. Though I am not closing any doors, I just had to live again. To be free from the shackles of despair. To be me again..